Rapey Corners

Everyone has encountered at least on Rapey Corner in their lives. It is that dark, creepy looking corner or alley where you’re like ‘If I go down there, I will get raped. In the bum.’ UNAM has lots of Rapey Corners, I don’t know how anyone manages to keep their virginity over there…oh wait they don’t! Everywhere you look in UNAM there is a Rapey Corner yawning out of an abyss of other Rapey Corners and you’re so damn scared of the Rapey Corners that you start running down the middle of the creepy empty streets flailing your arms and thrashing your head from side to side so that you don’t miss any rapists creeping up on you. And then you’ll probably run into some poor student and you’ll be all like ‘The Rapists!!!’ and you’ll grab him by the front of his shirt and give him a little shake and then he’ll start to wonder what kind of drugs you’re on and where he can get some and he opens his mouth to ask but by that time you’re off again, running like an anorexic from carbs.

Suddenly a strange thing happens…it’s kind of like Rapey Corner vertigo and you abruptly feel the need to go and minutely investigate one of these chasms of doom. It’s like those dreams where you are being pulled forward and your legs aren’t working and in front of you is a machete wielding saber-toothed panda and you know it has rabies but there’s nothing you can do and you keep moving forward. It’s like being sucked into a vertiginous vortex!

The Rapey Corners call out to you; you’re so close you can almost see the rapists! Their arms stretch out to pull you into the Rapey Corner where you will meet definite anal trauma but then suddenly, out of the haze of blatant stupidity that has clouded your brain, you hear a familiar voice and it is like a light through the fog of utter idiocy:

‘Yo Tuls, where the fuck you going? We’ve got rehearsal.’

And suddenly it’s all over. The pudding custard legs release me and my fuzzy brain clears and I can see that all the rapists are seriously annoyed (‘we were so close!’) and so I walk to a safe distance and perform a victory jig and blow raspberries in the direction of the Rapey Corner. ‘Ha ha not this time rapists!’ I cry with glee whilst dancing my victorious jig. But then they burst my bubble;

‘ Hold on a minute, is you a woman?’ (For some reason they have British accents)

‘No…I’m a petrified mongoose…of course I’m a woman!’ Those rapists are so rude! }:O

I hear them having a little whispered conference. ‘All right then love, off you go then, we thought you was a penguin!’

A fucking penguin? ‘What?!’

‘We thought you was a penguin love, we’re all penguin rapists, not interested in humans…sorry.’

Well how very dare they! Aren’t I good enough??

…wait a minute, what did I just say?

UPDATE: The moral of the story is that actually you don’t need to be afeered of the Rapey Corners at UNAM because they are populated only by penguin rapists. If you are human you should be ok.

‘Cept on Wenesdays love!’

Oi shut it you rapey creep! …but yeah…except on Wednesdays.

‘And on Tuesday mornings we molest fruit.’

Oh for fuck’s sake…